What to talk about?

Children don't have a preconceived notion of how a divorce will affect their lives. Therefore, it is especially important how the parents talk to the child about the divorce.

The child should be aware of all changes in the family situation, especially those that concern also the child. At the same time, the child should not be overly burdened with the parents' relationship problems or discussions related to divorce. This is a matter between the parents. You should talk to your child about divorce only if the parents are sure of their decision.

Preparing the child
From the child's point of view, divorce becomes a reality when one of the parents moves away from the family or when the child moves to a new home with one parent. When the decision to divorce has been made and divorce becomes a reality, it is important for both parents to have the opportunity to spend time with the child, talk to them and answer their questions.
Preparing the child for divorce is very important. In an ideal situation, the parents tell the child about the divorce together. Even if the decision to divorce was not made jointly, talking about it together shows the child that their parents can still take responsibility and care for them. How and what to tell a child about a divorce depends on their age. For a small child it is enough to know that father and mother no longer live together, but both take care of them and spend as much time with them as possible. If the child is older, they probably have a better understanding of adult problems, and therefore the circumstances of the divorce need to be explained more. For example, in such a case, the parents may tell the child that they have decided to divorce because they believe that this is the best for everyone and that they will therefore have fewer fights in the future.

Openness and honesty
Parents should talk to the child openly and honestly about the divorce. This way, the child does not have to come up with explanations in their own head. It is especially important to make the child understand that the divorce is not their fault and the decision was made by the parents, who are also responsible for it.
The reasons for the divorce should not be discussed with the child in too much detail, as this may undermine the authority of the other parent in their eyes. It is in the child's best interest to justify the divorce with the circumstances, but not with people.

Showing love
During the divorce, it is very important that both parents would show the child with their actions and words that they love them still and remain a part of their life.
A child must be allowed to love both parents and it is also necessary to say it out loud. This promise can be made more believable and concrete for both the child and the adult by specifying its meaning. For example, the child can be told that the parent still supports them with a certain hobby or homework, or that the vacation planned for next summer will still take place. The child needs to be told several times about new arrangements and changes in everyday life, because things may be too complicated and unknown for them to understand at the first time. Divorce is a new situation, which the child begins to understand only after time has passed, when life after the divorce has settled down.

Recognizing the impact of a breakup
It makes no sense to tell the child that nothing will change or that life will go on the same way. The initiator of the divorce may tend to underestimate the negative aspects of the divorce and the loss that the child has to go through. The fact is that divorce may be the solution to the parents' problems, but it is rarely the solution to the child's problems. A parent should also realize that seeing a child's suffering and grief can be a painful experience, but therefore one should not make promises to the child that the parent cannot keep.

Read more in the parent's guide - information and support for divorcing.

If you need additional support for your child, or for yourself to support the child, feel free to contact the child protection worker of the local government where you live, who can be of support and share information about regional assistance options. You can also contact Child helpline 24 hours a day (lasteabi.ee or on the anonymous helpline 116111).

In addition, you can find reading material on the topic, for example:

• tarkvanem.ee
• peaasi.ee
• parent's guide - information and support for divorcing parents
• family mediation service

Some options to consider:

• Counseling or psychological services for parents and/or children
• Family therapy