Grief can be divided into stages, which are accompanied by different psychological reactions. These are both universal and highly individual. Each person experiences grief in a different way, according to their life experience and susceptibility, and the grieving process is influenced by the environment in which a person has grown and system or reference, previous experiences of loss or trauma, level of development and personality traits, and any history of mental health problems.

One of the stages of grief is shock and disbelief. It’s a sense of unreality, the idea that what happened can’t be possible. It protects the human psyche and allows us to take what has happened step by step. What has taken place and the loss become more real after a while, after saying goodbye to the deceased, when one has come to terms with the reality of the loss. There can be a lot of emotions and reactions in the response phase. It is important to accept all feelings, whatever they may be. The next stage is called 'working through'. It allows you to think deeply about the loss and experience the grief. After that comes reconciliation, finding a solution, and learning to live without a loved one.

Not everyone will go through all of these stages in this order, but it is worth taking them as a guide to understanding the basic characteristics of grief. It is certainly worth remembering that the grieving process takes time, and there may be setbacks along the way. You could say that there’s no beginning or end to grieving — you just learn to live with it.

Rituals

In grieving, rituals are supportive and comforting. They create meaning and provide a symbolic way to say goodbye. Rituals are important when it comes to recognising beginnings and endings and can help a person cope with their grief. There are many different rituals, and it’s up to the individual what suits them and what supports them. There is no single universal ritual to suit everyone, but burning a candle, writing a letter to the deceased, or visiting a cemetery can help.

Methods of self-help

To cope with grief, it is helpful to be familiar with some self-help techniques. Every person's grief is unique, and it can be helpful to identify supportive coping strategies that work for you. It is possible to alleviate longing, either by talking about it or by writing about it. It can be helpful to be able to talk to someone who has been in the same situation. This can help dispel feelings of isolation and abnormality. It is also important to pay attention to a person's basic needs — sleep, nutrition, and physical activity. Providing for these needs helps them cope with the pain of bereavement, and gives them the strength to grieve.

Additional sources

Many books and articles have been written on coping with grief, and can be found by searching library and bookshop databases using the keywords “grief”, “crisis support”, “death”, and “coping”.

Children also grieve, so it is important to involve them in the grieving process and activities. A child of any age needs to be close to a safe adult after a traumatic event, and the child will make sense of what is happening in their own way, with the help and support of a safe adult. It is important to talk to a child who is grieving and encourage them to express their feelings and thoughts. A child needs an adult to understand and accept their grief and the way in which they are grieving.

The Crisis Programme for Children and Youth organises bereavement camps for children who have lost a loved one and offers individual counselling. A child may also be able to get help from school support staff in the event of the death of a loved one.

If grief makes it very difficult to cope on a day-to-day basis, your personality traits change markedly, problems become more intense, and you become socially isolated, help should definitely be sought. Meeting with a trained counsellor, psychologist or therapist can help you deal with difficult and complex feelings and thoughts.

TThe first place to go for bereavement advice is the social services department at your local government or your family physician, who can refer you. In addition to the Social Insurance Board, tthere are a number of organisations in Estonia that can help with grief; you can find their (paid) services by searching online for “crisis counselling”, “crisis counsellor”, “trauma therapy”, “bereavement therapy”, “coping with grief”.

Help and support can also be found on the following websites: peaasi.ee, palunabi.ee, see also the Social Insurance Board’s page on psychosocial crisis support.

What is that?

Psychological first aid is intended for a distressed person who has recently experienced a serious crisis. Although psychological first aid seems to refer only to the provision of psychological support, the concept is much broader. Psychological first aid is making sure that the situation is safe, ensuring medical assistance, physical safety, and psychological support.

How does it help?

A crisis can lead to several losses at once and can have long-lasting physical and emotional effects. Psychological first aid can help to reduce the impact of losses and give people the strength and resilience they need to cope and carry on with their daily lives. Psychological first aid helps to restore a person’s sense of security and connection with others, increase their sense of calm and hope, ensure access to the additional support needed, and create the capacity to help oneself or to find the support needed.

Psychological first aid can be provided starting from first contact with the person in distress, usually during or immediately after the event. Psychological first aid can be provided anywhere, but it must be preceded by medical first aid and physical security.

Psychological first aid must be carried out in a way that respects a person’s safety, dignity and rights. See the information on the Social Insurance Board’s website.